12 July 2014

Charlie's Vape Shop

It's a reality. Can ya believe it? I'll be accepting online payments within the week, I hope,  and setting up the brick and mortar store in North Fort Worth in a few days.  Yes! The link is www.charliesvs.com.

02 April 2014

Irony

Is it the last day in this life?
With all this ruthlessness and strife
The death of what is still a mystery
And fear of it that's killing me
It's a landmark win for irony
Life in itself the greatest irony.

11 November 2012

The Bureau of Prisons Disappearing Act Part I


My biological father spent the majority of his adult life incarcerated for one thing or another. At some point he was institutionalized… maybe he was born that way. I just don’t know. He was the youngest of his siblings, with around 40 years between his age and the next to youngest sibling. They said he was spoiled rotten and likely had little direction with aging parents and no other siblings in the house.

My mother divorced him while he was behind bars. She married again, divorced, and remarried by the time I was five. My biological father gave up his parental rights at her request and her husband adopted me. Years later, I reconnected with my biological father, realizing that my dad was not my birth father, and we began writing each other often. I was 12 years old and he was incarcerated again. Over the next five years, he was in and out of prison more than once. I would have to look back over the letters to piece together exactly how many times. I remember him going to Texarkana and not telling me where he was going that time, because he was afraid I would try to go see him.

In 1989, I was 17, he was on parole, and having only a few months of freedom, he caught a charge. This time, it was far more serious than any other time. He had been drinking and had a firearm. He had been in an argument with a female and someone called the police. I do not know exactly what happened. However, he received multiple charges, including attempted first-degree murder, aggravated assault of a law enforcement officer, and unlawful carrying of a weapon. The police chased him and he likely shot at them and missed. They returned fire and he took a bullet in the abdomen. He was not a good man, he worse a worse husband I’m told repeatedly, and an absent father, but he was still a human being with rights, even incarcerated. He had parents and he had children. To anyone else, he was just a convict, but I am his youngest child. Within a few weeks of my bio-father being locked up in Wichita County Jail, I was invited to participate in a drum & bugle corps in Hutchinson, Kansas. Suddenly, I was less than an hour away from the man I never knew and I was able to go see him for an hour. I never saw him again. He never saw anyone in our family again. He was sentenced to 35-63 years in federal prison and he never made it out.

From what I can tell, over the next 8 ½ years, he was transferred from one state to another, from one facility to another, from one cell to another, from general population to solitary confinement SIXTEEN DIFFERENT TIMES. My mother always said they moved him around so he didn’t get to know a place long enough to plan an escape. Being a teenager, I didn’t know a thing about the system so I didn’t question her story. She didn’t know what was really going on, either.

In 1994, I was married and had a baby. My bio father, Richard, began calling me collect several times a day, asking me to make long-distance calls to his attorney in Kansas. He was very agitated and nervous when we talked. He seemed panicky and I didn’t realize what was happening to him, nor did he explain. Nevertheless, I was very busy being a young mother, and was soon to be raising a child alone, so I lost contact with him. I received a Christmas card about a year or two later from him then nothing more.

For the next decade, however, I was constantly searching for my two siblings, whom I had met once at the age of 18, then lost touch with them as well. It was difficult to establish a meaningful and consistent relationship with them, having grown up without even knowing about them. They were both older than me and had families of their own. My search for them also included the search for any new information about my father. I didn’t know where he was incarcerated anymore and didn’t really know how to find a federal inmate. I always did an online query for inmates through the Bureau of Prisons, but his name never returned anything. I looked them all up on google but never found anything. Every few months, I did public data searches on all of them and never found anything until January 2004. And this time, I made a heartbreaking discovery. He was dead.

10 November 2012

Woman vs Woman

Rule #1. Always walk away classier than the other. This means no yelling in front yards, no picking fights or using excessive foul language, no rudeness outside of honest indifference about the ingrates existence.

Assertiveness is to be direct, low key, and graceful. Aggressiveness is to come across as a stray rabid attack rodent that feels threatened.

Be classy.

18 October 2012

Mothers Day

It's Mother's Day
Yes, I've noticed.
I haven't called
Yes, you've noticed.

No excuse
You won't care.
No details too
I'm just not there.

Go call me shitty
For my brutality
God forbid you see
I'm still just me.

Go call me selfish
Be a hypocrite
Happy Mother's Day
This is all you get.

CM

27 September 2012

disco balls

I wonder if that is what John Travolta called his own set after starring in Dance Fever. Certainly not. I am the only person in the world so clever. . . Although there have been days when I seem as clever as a Republican, those were just my days off. It's not easy being Sindazed!!

(Free tip to others who have been Sindazed: Spontaneity & flattery are great tools of persuasion when cooperation is hoped for... having internet on a laptop for a few days? I would have gratitude from my head all the way down to my sexy sexy foot fetish - only mine.)

True story.


19 September 2012

Independence

I miss it the most. I'm always on others schedules. My time is their time. Simple tasks take weeks to complete if they require travel. Plans are impossible, but they all ask what plans I've made. Are they rubbing it in? Insensitive bastards.

It doesn't sting. The sting I feel is from the most poisonous bite. Sadly, I wasn't spared this venom, which was inflicted from complete indifference, not carelessness.

Some are more sick than others. Still, never a shred of accountability spreads that sickness.

08 December 2011

He thinks he's a gay magnet

I think he's just G-A-Y. Granted, he probably isn't, but I really want him to be gay now. It's the only logical explanation I can consider. But, even gay men are nicer to people than this. It's not like I haven't had any experience with being totally used. Hey, I was more than used for over four years by one now gay man. (They are all gay in my opinion.) Being hopeful this one wasn't the typical J-E-R-K was easy. He called. He sent sweet messages. He said he missed me. We saw each other lots, and he would drive some miles to me, too. It was awesome.

Then he just stopped calling or sending texts. It took me a few days to catch onto the fact that I instigated the only calls I'd received lately. So I stopped calling, too.

He said he missed me. Then nothing.

The nothing pretty much destroys every bit of good we shared. Total strangers have more class just by opening doors for others. Not an explanation, like I needed one, but hey since it was out of left field, some words would have kept him in the heterosexual range in my head. Could it be, it just wasn't enough to stop calling, though? Maybe, I needed to feel stupid, too, by remaining hopeful.

It just seems like if he was about to be incarcerated for seven months, he could have just fooled me for another two weeks, so I wouldn't feel used and thrown away. Yes, I know, incarcerated. Most of us have just been lucky not to be in the same situation, so save it. Anyhow, it's amazing to me that the same men in the world that treat women this way, are probably the ones wondering why we grow cold and bitter toward their kind. What a waste of time. Who knows, if he's not gay now, he could be in less than 7 months!! ha ha ha

almost had a pity party today. I nearly cried. But I didn't - bitches. I'm not finished moaning and groaning over this, though.

It's amazing. When I want him, he turns into the world's biggest prick without notice. When I don't want him, he won't leave me the hell alone. He gets totally sindazed and, he too, turns into somewhat of an ass out of my disinterest, never realizing that I get sindazed sometimes (more than sometimes) and it hurts me just as much. But I try to remain somewhat graceful. Visit my site here, though, and I'm busted throwing grace out the window. But it's healthier than any other mechanism I can use to change the way I feel. It's not immediate gratification by any means, either, or I'd be posting new stuff three times a day, every day.

20 November 2011

I ♥ Midgets

Oh look! I have a blog still! There's a good chance that my unparalleled wit and sarcasm will not turn into a regular gift to all once again. But I thought I'd pop in with nothing particular on my mind and see what happens. And who knows, I could once again become addicted to my site, which would be way more welcome than other addictions right! So here's the scoop today. A thorough progress report of the last two years will not happen today. There's still always a 1% chance of that promised book I'll write that blasts my local celebrity status to worldwide levels. Ha ha. Yes, I still love me some me, too.

So my latest fascination is with midgets. I love them. I'd like to acquire one. I found it so I get to keep it sort of thing. They are far easier to clean up after than giants I'm thinking. It's the difference between a toy poodle and a great dane - way smaller messes. And they are space savers too! Those who hear me rant and rave about the little darlings have a hard time understanding why I'm so obsessed. I have a hard time understanding why they aren't equally as obsessed, however. It all started when I saw a midget at The Lodge one day and wondered if I was hallucinating. It's not every day I'm graced with such an encounter. I rubbed my eyes as if it was a dream then tracked the little guy down, but kept myself at a distance having no knowledge of proper midget etiquette. At The Lodge it was standard to take a seat on a welcoming lap, but it seemed pretty reasonable to me that I should pick the cute guy up and put him on my lap. Then naturally, being the obsessive/compulsive type, I started fantasizing putting him on my hip like a toddler... or doing that little toss into the air to see if he giggled. I was excited at the thought of his midget voice complaining "Put me down! Put me down!" As my obsession grew, I wondered if midgets had paintings of naked female midgets above their fireplaces or if they were attracted to mainstream types. I started thinking about midget proportions in both sexes and I won't even go into detail here because I'd have to charge you a subscription to my spontaneously created, adult-related content site. Shit. I'm starting to rhyme like one of those midgets in the Wizard of Oz. My enthusiastic obsession has continued though my days at The Lodge are long gone. I've daydreamed of midget car washes purely out of the cruelty of watching them even try to reach the windows on a truck. I've pictured midget Sonics, so I could adore their pudgy little legs in skates... "Here's your order, ma'am!" I'd hear in a midget voice. Hell, I even saw a shadow midget once. And so did someone else I know! Now that was a scream!! But the one that tops them all?

Midgets Gone Wild. Oh. My. God. I'm gonna be rich. Those little men and little women will do anything and we all know it. They all grew up... well... they were raised (not even that seems like the right word here) in carnivals and side shows. They'll kick each other in the head while getting lucky. ON CAMERA. And who wouldn't pay to see that?! And when I have those millions, I'm going to have an all-midget staff to manage my life. "I'll have my little people talk to your people."

It's true. Ya really can wake up feeling blah and with a conscious change of thought patterns, the world becomes a happy place again. I'm in a great mood now people so watch out!!

For those seeking more midget gratification: Midgets, Mullets, and Prostitutes. And a small thank you to the Facebook page owner, who shares my quirky interest in unusual people.

19 June 2011

Not my chair, not my problem

Apparently the voice is a guy that took acid and locked himself in a closet. His buddies recorded him then later made a video to go along with his monologue. This is what he must have been seeing on acid. Thinks he's got it goin bossanova! No way! NO WAY!!

02 June 2011

Calendar events

Eleven days from now my Leo tattoo turns 5.
In 11 days my boobs turn 6. They never fight over gifts. It was sort of a way to turn a bad day into a good one for me.
Eleven days from now will be 7 years since Angie died. She was the greatest sister in the world. She was my therapist, my love, my happiness, and the one who listened always without judging or trying to fix things. Our relationship was one of a kind.
On a lighter note, in 14 days I will be thir... 29 1/2. Certainly I deserve something special this month!! A dress. A bracelet. A fond memory... A new car??? :)

01 June 2011

super size shopping bag

I just walked through Walmart with this piece of luggage. ALL the way
through - yes, only one entrance is open this late. What did I gain
aside from a "super value" comment from the young man ringing up my
purchase and the agony of toting a foot and a half long box that
screams RED ALERT to everyone that passed by me?
FOUR EXTRA BULLETS... FOUR.

06 May 2011

Katy Perry ft Kayne West - "E.T."

Someone I know showed me this song and video recently. I can't put it on Facebook. I suppose it's too much for a family oriented environment to handle in conservative North America. So here it is in all it's glory. I'm impressed.

23 September 2010

Crawling out of my hole

My site's been down forever it seems. And I'm now going through the painful process of transferring my content, post for post, from a text backup into Blogger. GAAWWWD I miss Wordpress! But Blogger is free and that's what I can afford today. It is what it is. Without everyones old comments and without many other things I had on my site... It's not an easy task here. Particularly when I start reading some of the stupid shit I wrote way back when... it's hard not to edit any posts or delete them entirely. But I guess it's who I was then and that's the only real way to enjoy it all. Unless you've got a tub of ice cream for me to hog on right now. I'd enjoy that too.

26 August 2010

Lots and Lots to find yet!

I've got to get hold of my old hosting service and beg them to export the sql database backup of my site to xml so I can import it here. I miss wordpress like crazy. I'll get the whole site back up here one day soon I hope.

12 August 2010

Sindazed is lost

My son moved to Seattle. Nothing is right anymore and my life seems pointless, dim, and empty. I just don't understand how the courts never asked "Dad where have you been for the last sixteen years?" But I will cover it all with the one that matters, the kid. He forgot his family down here in Texas. So I'm going to write a book just for him... I'll have it delivered when I show up stuffed. ha ha.

26 August 2009

The Man in the Glass

Just a very well scripted one here. Aimed directly at the sperm donor.

When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.

For it isn’t your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.

You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you’re a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.

He’s the fellow to please-never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear to the end.
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.

You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.
~unknown author

26 July 2009

Little Boy Wonder

The little boy wonder
He builds Bionicle guys
Creative by nature
Little man with blue eyes…
Feeling so lonely
In this tough age of life
With cruel kids at school
Throwing words like a knife…
Hang in there young boy
I went through it too
The hard part will end
But you’ll have to go through…
These challenges, these fears
If handled with care
Will help you become
A grown man who’ll stare…
In the mirror one day
And trust what you see
Is a man who stood strong
And the best he could be.

Misconceptions

Last night at the club, it went like this:

“I’m not judging you.”

-Are you sure? It sounds like you are definitely judging me.

“I don’t ever come to places like this.”

-Like “this” . . . What could he possibly mean by that?

“You probably have the highest IQ of everyone in this place.”

-Maybe so. Still, you think we are all a bunch of uneducated fuckups.

“You’re too smart for this.”

-You think I’m too smart to make $1,000/night?

01 July 2009

Dear Christian

Dear Christian, my love
You’re the one that I keep
So close to my heart
In a safe place so deep.
An untouchable love
The two lives that we’ve shared
I’ll never stop loving you
Your smiles my one prayer.
Know this in your heart
I’d give up my life
With no hesitation
I wouldn’t think twice.
So if you are lonely
Feeling misunderstood
Please know that I love you
If I could fix it, I would.
Enjoy life, my sweet child
It’s for you that I live
Each breath that I take
To you, my loves what I give.

15 June 2009

Free Publicity should be flattering

Typically, I’d be just that, flattered. Even appreciative when one goes through every single page on my site. But not today. Hey kids, keep checking back for more and more. Maybe even have the intelligence to subscribe to a newsfeed or is that one too much to handle? Here’s a great one too. Have your provider list your first and last name for your ISP. That makes it easier on me. It seems you just can’t speak the truth anymore without having that not to special someone end up butt hurt over the truth then decide to display his 16 year long bitterness in court . Why does one decide to step up to the plate after nearly two decades? (My guess is being called "sperm donor" online.) But ya know what? Nobody is forced to read this site, and a few people are even not welcome, but have nothing better to do than seek out dirt to make themselves feel better. Facts are facts. I don't make things up here. That sort of content isn't worth venting. At least I'm not living with enormous lies I've told loved ones and the guilt of damaging peoples relationships out of revenge. As a parent, you should talk to the other parent first if you are concerned and offer to help out somehow. As a parent, you should be involved from day one. As a parent, you shouldn’t take your child in front of a judge and make him choose who he wants to live with. Familiar story eh? (Just cut him in half.) Particularly if you never went to a single baseball game boyscout meeting karate event doctors visit changed a single diaper or went to a meeting with his teachers. Trust that I’d back down at this point to keep my child from having to make that choice. But that couldn’t be enough could it? It’s a screwed up world when an individual can come along after not even having his child support increased for over TEN YEARS and get a restraining order on Mom for things like not letting the child play golf in school and letting someone use his deodorant. Or maybe it’s really that the munchkin gave you the heads up that an increase was on it’s way so you decided to take him rather than man up to the few added responsibilities that would be required of your minimum expectations of fatherhood by the state. (We’re dealing with a real catch here.)

Go ahead and print this one out too. Highlight only the parts you want me to read aloud in court in your efforts to hurt me. For our kids sake right? And know that when’s it’s all said and done… When the whole thing is over… The truth is still the truth and always will be. And the truth will reveal itself to everyone eventually. The child knows who raised him. God forbid you spent a single drop of energy on coparenting and being a real father all these years. But you’ll throw it all into a custody case over your bruised ego won’t you? You have no idea what’s best for the child. You never have. Clearly. So enjoy this read today. Print it out. Pass it around. Hey send copies to your folks too so they can pretend to be more involved in his life too. I think your sister is good though. No need to print one out for her. She’ll likely be the one printing it out for you, honestly. Big round of applause on her sudden involvement after 16 years too. She’s lived within 25 miles of us all this time and not one phone call or visit. Anyhow, thanks for the free publicity. And remember this. I won the first time. I’ll fight like hell to win again. It’s mama bear instinct to fight to the end for her cubs. And anyone would be an idiot to get into that fight. Alas, look who I’m dealing with, their king.
And now that you’ve read all the way to here, go ahead and leave a comment kids! I knew you were here way before the court date. I used to be a little smart. I used to know a thing or two about a thing or two.

01 June 2009

Summer Vacation Begins

With a quick “I love you” and “No Sex!” the teenager boarded a plane on Sunday and my vacation began. Flat broke. With no car. So I hitched a ride to work Sunday night and while the crowd was small yet willing, I walked with very little money. However, two of our lucky and blessed to be in the right place at the right timers each walked with $800 for a mere 2 hours of work MAX. Two guys had come in about the same time as my coworkers had shown up for work, quite late, and were babbling about their own planes yadda yadda yadda. So my girlfriend and I left the place a little distraught that we hadn’t been in right place at the right time. Oh how I could’ve used $800 about then to kick off the summer with a great start!!

To make matters worse, after my girl dropped me off and left for her place, I realized I didn’t have my cell phone. And I was once again armed and dangerous. Needless to say, I wandered around my house most of the following day with a small hangover, feeling like I was in solitary confinement. Granted the dogs were here to keep me company but they aren’t much for conversation. And my mother actually stopped by for a record setting 2 minutes with some ammunition and a small bag of junk food so I wouldn’t go without major caloric intake for the day. The visit was much appreciated. The onset of cabin fever due to a mechanically challenged vehicle has had me peering through the front door hoping to catch a door to door solicitor I can maybe pin down for conversation.



I’m joking, of course. But clearly the thought has crossed my mind. Hopefully things turn around before I find myself establishing a deep and meaningful relationship with a volleyball. However, they aren’t turning around quick enough for me to miss out on finding an article like this one. And by the way, the answer is yes. I have a plant named “Herman” that my mom gave me for Easter over 20 years ago (ouch! that hurt!!) when she herself had me locked down in solitary confinement.

01 May 2009

Hot Under the Collar: Single Moms and Dead Beat Dads – Associated Content

And so my delightful little 15-year-old scrambled out the door this morning with a smile on his face and a big hug for mom on the way to school right? WRONG!! Well. They way the cheery fella talked to me had me headed straight to the internet to find help. The article I linked to above sounds alot like someone else I know!

And yes, I know he’d say “If you don’t like it then let him live with me.” And I’d reply with “Right. Since you have always played such an active role in his life thus far huh?” I mean, hell if you’re going to be nothing more than a checkbook, then be a damn checkbook and fork up money for private school, his first car, and the college tuition you swore up and down you’d cover and was your entire reason for moving across the country in the first place!!

You can feel the love can’t ya?

22 December 2008

My Inbox

It seems that aliens have taken control of my Inbox. Each time I open Outlook, I have new items from individuals I don't know, however, judging from their list of recipients (all Comcast customers) they want to tell me something seemingly important. Their persistence is noteworthy, however, ESL as a second language seems not to be a requirement on the alien educational curriculum. See the following items I?received today from three different aliens named Tina, Walter, and Michael:
Exhibit A: Christoper was at inc when that happened inc. cunard at patagonia or even cunard as in excerpt
Exhibit B: Scotty was at atlantes when that happened impregnate. igloo at cognate or even ferris as in insubordinate
Exhibit C: Susie was at open when that happened delirious. hilum at antedate or even cupid as in report
Maybe I'm all wrong about this and I simply need to break the code. I'm feeling less than productive, however, so deleting them sounds far easier. Ignorance is bliss, I hear, so if the aliens are coming to poke and prod this little human being, I'd rather it be a surprise.

Real Cancer

Not the kind of lung cancer that doesn't really exist, but unfortunate, painful, and very real colon cancer. My dad, the dad that raised me, adopted me when I was little, he was diagnosed with cancer on my 37th birthday (just last week.) I received the call the next morning. It seems he hasn't been well for quite some time, but being a stubborn male, he never went for a checkup. So the past month, his conditioned worsened until he finally went to the emergency room last week, where they did a colonostomy and found a complete closure in his colon. The next day he was transferred to Harris Hospital.
I arrived at Harris and upon finding the ER waiting room, also found Dad's brother and his wife, two of my brothers and their wives, my sister Tammy, and one very odd man who had cranial accessories, rings on every finger, a man bag, head band, small silver case chained to his wrist, and a cell phone.
I sat away from the relatives a bit claiming that I was antisocial, but not to far from my little brother, Cody, and the Mrs. This man then goes for my isle, pardoning ME for my feet stretched across the isle, and sat across from Cody.
"Do you have $1.50 for the vending machine?" he asked.
I glanced up at Christina and caught her bewildered look. Cody said "No. Sorry."
"This is kind of gross but earlier I had this itch."
Again, Christina and I glanced at each other.
"So I went into the bathroom and lifted up my shirt. and right here on my side," he said, pointing to his rib cage, "I saw this white WORM wiggling out of my body."
I know he had the attention of the entire family reunion at this point.
"So I grabbed it, and pulled on it. And pulled and pulled.. and it was like this long." stretching his hands about a foot apart from one another. "The doctors said I was just hallucinating from being off my medication so they gave me more."
Then he looked over at me. "Do you have $1.50 for the machines?"
I lied abruptly, "I'm on welfare."
Very seriously, he said "Are you getting a raise?"
I was confused, not knowing a thing about welfare, but claimed that I didn't know. He told me that he was on welfare too and received about $650 a month but was getting a raise in January. So, antagonizing him, I asked who I would call to find out and he immediately started searching through his phone.
My brother was staring at me in shock, while I shrugged my shoulders and continued watching this man, who in mid search on his phone, dropped his head lower and fell asleep in the middle of the waiting room. But I wasn't done pestering the pest.
I reached over and bumped his arm. Startled he glanced up and I said "Where's my number?" He continued looking through his phone then spit out a phone number which I wrote down. Then he apologized for falling asleep like that and blamed it on the medication the doctors had just given him. That was my cue.
"What medications did they give you?"
"Klonopin."
"Do you have any more?"
"Yes," he said, and he went for the silver, metal briefcase, he had cuffed to his wrist. He grabbed a key from his pocket, inserted it into the suitcase, and again, passed right out. So I bumped him again, waking him to continue his task. He opened the suitcase which I noticed contained about five bottles of various medications no doubt. He popped open the Klonopin, and handed me two pills.
Score. I thanked him kindly and threw him $2.00 for the vending machine. That excited him. He claimed that he hadn't given me that much in pills, and threw me several more. Then he ventured over to the machines, talking loudly to himself along the way.
I went about my own business only for a moment before he came back over and asked me for 5o cents more in exchange for a few more pills.
"Can you quiet that down a bit?" I asked. "We are in public here." So he quickly sat down and as discreetly as possible, all things considered, gave me a few more pills, and I threw him another dollar. Then he gave me a few more pills again.
I thanked him again and looked up at my brother, "Street chemistry at it's finest." Then I bit a pill in half, consumed one half and tucked the other half away with the others.
My older brother came over after our friend walked away and asked "Did you give that guy money?" I nodded my head and replied "Yes, but I made him give me pills for it and I guarantee you I got the better deal." Then he asked "Did he say something about a worm coming out of his side?" I said, "Yes. He was hallucinating."
Meanwhile, back on the ranch…
The doctors performed multiple biopsies on my dad along with X-rays and a cat scan. The said that this fast growing cancer likely had spread due to it's size. But then after they ran all these tests, said it didn't. I'm not certain I believe them, although I want that to be true. He had surgery the following morning, to remove the blockage in his colon and supposedly to remove the cancer. However, he came out of surgery with a new permanent redirected colon to a bag on his side. When I visited him that day and he showed me the bag, it was so hard not to show what I was feeling. He just said "I never thought I'd have to have one of these." and nervously played with this IV cord.
They didn't remove the cancer either. I was told by dad's girlfriend that if they had cut into it that it would have spread all over his body. So now there is a 6 to 8 week waiting period until they begin intensive radiation and chemotherapy treatments twice a week, each treatment costing $2000.00. Until then, the fast-growing cancer still sits untreated in his colon.
I know his girlfriend is staying positive for him and likely for her own sanity as well. That's a good thing. I prefer to get online and do research. I hope her positive thinking is enough this time. I've cried and cried. And cried some more.
More details when they are available.

13 December 2008

The Next Place

"And the me that was impatient, or was angry or unkind, will simply be a memory, The me I left behind." -  Hanson, Warren (1997) The Next Place. Minneapolis, Minnesota
So I came to the horrible realization a few months ago, that Finch (my dog) won't live forever. And I truly don't know what to do about this. I know already, trust - I know way too much, that nothing lasts forever. EVERYTHING  is temporary, except death in my opinion. Brandon was temporary. Angie was temporary. And while I have struggled beyond others comprehension, and still struggle today with the reality that they are part of my past, not my future, I've had time to deal with the loss.
Finch, however.. Well I got  him immediately after B decided to fuck another coworker again. Ah.. impeccable timing. (And hey if anyone that knows him should ever read this, know that I wasn't being the bitchy girlfriend, but that my sister died and he didn't want you to know because then he'd look like a bad guy for being so uncaring.. and we were never remodeling our kitchen. He did that in a drunken rage while I was at work one day. Apparently I was having sex with one of my female coworkers.. Who knew?!!) Anyhow… maybe I haven't exactly dealt with that loss even today…
I'm not really over all that. Still… Finch. This loyal, loving, persistent, childish, smart as hell dog I love so much, will not be here forever??!!!
BUT I NEED HIM!!! I NEED HIM! I NEED HIM! I NEED HIM!
It's not that I don't grasp the reality of his future, it's that, well it's like this: I think people have more babies because their cute little babies turn into kids…  who don't want hugs anymore, that stink, that are difficult, and turn into even taller teenagers with even bigger grudges towards their parents.  So I think that since our three year olds aim for such independence they'd rather not be helped, we go off and have more babies to get back the time where they are sweet and soft and loving and happy all the time. True, it's all for the parents. The kids don't even remember it. SHIT I'm sitting here talking myself into more kids. NO NO NO!!!!!! NNOOOOO!!!
My point is, we forget how difficult LABOR is - that act of pushing and grunting and wearing yourself out to squeeze  a little human being out of it's beginning. So we have more kids. Similarly, we forget how painful it can be to lose a pet. So we get more pets to replace them, and to fill the whole created in our hearts by the loss of a previous pet. Ah.. I wish it were so simple for siblings and fathers…
Still I don't know how I will survive without Finch!! AND HEY FINCH IS FINE TODAY!! STILL WITH US!! NO KNOWN PROBLEMS!! This is just  me being a crazy person thinking negative thoughts. But he's been my constant for four years. I need him like I need AIR.
Anyhow…. I hope our animals know just how much we love them.