12 July 2014
13 May 2014
02 April 2014
11 November 2012
10 November 2012
Rule #1. Always walk away classier than the other. This means no yelling in front yards, no picking fights or using excessive foul language, no rudeness outside of honest indifference about the ingrates existence.
Assertiveness is to be direct, low key, and graceful. Aggressiveness is to come across as a stray rabid attack rodent that feels threatened.
23 October 2012
18 October 2012
It's Mother's Day
Yes, I've noticed.
I haven't called
Yes, you've noticed.
You won't care.
No details too
I'm just not there.
Go call me shitty
For my brutality
God forbid you see
I'm still just me.
Go call me selfish
Be a hypocrite
Happy Mother's Day
This is all you get.
13 October 2012
27 September 2012
I wonder if that is what John Travolta called his own set after starring in Dance Fever. Certainly not. I am the only person in the world so clever. . . Although there have been days when I seem as clever as a Republican, those were just my days off. It's not easy being Sindazed!!
(Free tip to others who have been Sindazed: Spontaneity & flattery are great tools of persuasion when cooperation is hoped for... having internet on a laptop for a few days? I would have gratitude from my head all the way down to my sexy sexy foot fetish - only mine.)
19 September 2012
I miss it the most. I'm always on others schedules. My time is their time. Simple tasks take weeks to complete if they require travel. Plans are impossible, but they all ask what plans I've made. Are they rubbing it in? Insensitive bastards.
It doesn't sting. The sting I feel is from the most poisonous bite. Sadly, I wasn't spared this venom, which was inflicted from complete indifference, not carelessness.
Some are more sick than others. Still, never a shred of accountability spreads that sickness.
08 December 2011
Then he just stopped calling or sending texts. It took me a few days to catch onto the fact that I instigated the only calls I'd received lately. So I stopped calling, too.
He said he missed me. Then nothing.
The nothing pretty much destroys every bit of good we shared. Total strangers have more class just by opening doors for others. Not an explanation, like I needed one, but hey since it was out of left field, some words would have kept him in the heterosexual range in my head. Could it be, it just wasn't enough to stop calling, though? Maybe, I needed to feel stupid, too, by remaining hopeful.
It just seems like if he was about to be incarcerated for seven months, he could have just fooled me for another two weeks, so I wouldn't feel used and thrown away. Yes, I know, incarcerated. Most of us have just been lucky not to be in the same situation, so save it. Anyhow, it's amazing to me that the same men in the world that treat women this way, are probably the ones wondering why we grow cold and bitter toward their kind. What a waste of time. Who knows, if he's not gay now, he could be in less than 7 months!! ha ha ha
I almost had a pity party today. I nearly cried. But I didn't - bitches. I'm not finished moaning and groaning over this, though.
It's amazing. When I want him, he turns into the world's biggest prick without notice. When I don't want him, he won't leave me the hell alone. He gets totally sindazed and, he too, turns into somewhat of an ass out of my disinterest, never realizing that I get sindazed sometimes (more than sometimes) and it hurts me just as much. But I try to remain somewhat graceful. Visit my site here, though, and I'm busted throwing grace out the window. But it's healthier than any other mechanism I can use to change the way I feel. It's not immediate gratification by any means, either, or I'd be posting new stuff three times a day, every day.
20 November 2011
19 June 2011
02 June 2011
In 11 days my boobs turn 6. They never fight over gifts. It was sort of a way to turn a bad day into a good one for me.
Eleven days from now will be 7 years since Angie died. She was the greatest sister in the world. She was my therapist, my love, my happiness, and the one who listened always without judging or trying to fix things. Our relationship was one of a kind.
On a lighter note, in 14 days I will be thir... 29 1/2. Certainly I deserve something special this month!! A dress. A bracelet. A fond memory... A new car??? :)
01 June 2011
through - yes, only one entrance is open this late. What did I gain
aside from a "super value" comment from the young man ringing up my
purchase and the agony of toting a foot and a half long box that
screams RED ALERT to everyone that passed by me?
FOUR EXTRA BULLETS... FOUR.
06 May 2011
23 September 2010
26 August 2010
12 August 2010
26 August 2009
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to the mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn’t your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass.
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
You may be like Jack Horner and chisel a plum
And think you’re a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.
He’s the fellow to please-never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear to the end.
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you’ve cheated the man in the glass.
26 July 2009
He builds Bionicle guys
Creative by nature
Little man with blue eyes…
Feeling so lonely
In this tough age of life
With cruel kids at school
Throwing words like a knife…
Hang in there young boy
I went through it too
The hard part will end
But you’ll have to go through…
These challenges, these fears
If handled with care
Will help you become
A grown man who’ll stare…
In the mirror one day
And trust what you see
Is a man who stood strong
And the best he could be.
“I’m not judging you.”
-Are you sure? It sounds like you are definitely judging me.
“I don’t ever come to places like this.”
-Like “this” . . . What could he possibly mean by that?
“You probably have the highest IQ of everyone in this place.”
-Maybe so. Still, you think we are all a bunch of uneducated fuckups.
“You’re too smart for this.”
-You think I’m too smart to make $1,000/night?
01 July 2009
You’re the one that I keep
So close to my heart
In a safe place so deep.
An untouchable love
The two lives that we’ve shared
I’ll never stop loving you
Your smiles my one prayer.
Know this in your heart
I’d give up my life
With no hesitation
I wouldn’t think twice.
So if you are lonely
Please know that I love you
If I could fix it, I would.
Enjoy life, my sweet child
It’s for you that I live
Each breath that I take
To you, my loves what I give.
15 June 2009
Go ahead and print this one out too. Highlight only the parts you want me to read aloud in court in your efforts to hurt me. For our kids sake right? And know that when’s it’s all said and done… When the whole thing is over… The truth is still the truth and always will be. And the truth will reveal itself to everyone eventually. The child knows who raised him. God forbid you spent a single drop of energy on coparenting and being a real father all these years. But you’ll throw it all into a custody case over your bruised ego won’t you? You have no idea what’s best for the child. You never have. Clearly. So enjoy this read today. Print it out. Pass it around. Hey send copies to your folks too so they can pretend to be more involved in his life too. I think your sister is good though. No need to print one out for her. She’ll likely be the one printing it out for you, honestly. Big round of applause on her sudden involvement after 16 years too. She’s lived within 25 miles of us all this time and not one phone call or visit. Anyhow, thanks for the free publicity. And remember this. I won the first time. I’ll fight like hell to win again. It’s mama bear instinct to fight to the end for her cubs. And anyone would be an idiot to get into that fight. Alas, look who I’m dealing with, their king.
01 June 2009
To make matters worse, after my girl dropped me off and left for her place, I realized I didn’t have my cell phone. And I was once again armed and dangerous. Needless to say, I wandered around my house most of the following day with a small hangover, feeling like I was in solitary confinement. Granted the dogs were here to keep me company but they aren’t much for conversation. And my mother actually stopped by for a record setting 2 minutes with some ammunition and a small bag of junk food so I wouldn’t go without major caloric intake for the day. The visit was much appreciated. The onset of cabin fever due to a mechanically challenged vehicle has had me peering through the front door hoping to catch a door to door solicitor I can maybe pin down for conversation.
I’m joking, of course. But clearly the thought has crossed my mind. Hopefully things turn around before I find myself establishing a deep and meaningful relationship with a volleyball. However, they aren’t turning around quick enough for me to miss out on finding an article like this one. And by the way, the answer is yes. I have a plant named “Herman” that my mom gave me for Easter over 20 years ago (ouch! that hurt!!) when she herself had me locked down in solitary confinement.
01 May 2009
And yes, I know he’d say “If you don’t like it then let him live with me.” And I’d reply with “Right. Since you have always played such an active role in his life thus far huh?” I mean, hell if you’re going to be nothing more than a checkbook, then be a damn checkbook and fork up money for private school, his first car, and the college tuition you swore up and down you’d cover and was your entire reason for moving across the country in the first place!!
You can feel the love can’t ya?
13 January 2009
22 December 2008
Exhibit A: Christoper was at inc when that happened inc. cunard at patagonia or even cunard as in excerptMaybe I'm all wrong about this and I simply need to break the code. I'm feeling less than productive, however, so deleting them sounds far easier. Ignorance is bliss, I hear, so if the aliens are coming to poke and prod this little human being, I'd rather it be a surprise.
Exhibit B: Scotty was at atlantes when that happened impregnate. igloo at cognate or even ferris as in insubordinate
Exhibit C: Susie was at open when that happened delirious. hilum at antedate or even cupid as in report
I arrived at Harris and upon finding the ER waiting room, also found Dad's brother and his wife, two of my brothers and their wives, my sister Tammy, and one very odd man who had cranial accessories, rings on every finger, a man bag, head band, small silver case chained to his wrist, and a cell phone.
I sat away from the relatives a bit claiming that I was antisocial, but not to far from my little brother, Cody, and the Mrs. This man then goes for my isle, pardoning ME for my feet stretched across the isle, and sat across from Cody.
"Do you have $1.50 for the vending machine?" he asked.
I glanced up at Christina and caught her bewildered look. Cody said "No. Sorry."
"This is kind of gross but earlier I had this itch."
Again, Christina and I glanced at each other.
"So I went into the bathroom and lifted up my shirt. and right here on my side," he said, pointing to his rib cage, "I saw this white WORM wiggling out of my body."
I know he had the attention of the entire family reunion at this point.
"So I grabbed it, and pulled on it. And pulled and pulled.. and it was like this long." stretching his hands about a foot apart from one another. "The doctors said I was just hallucinating from being off my medication so they gave me more."
Then he looked over at me. "Do you have $1.50 for the machines?"
I lied abruptly, "I'm on welfare."
Very seriously, he said "Are you getting a raise?"
I was confused, not knowing a thing about welfare, but claimed that I didn't know. He told me that he was on welfare too and received about $650 a month but was getting a raise in January. So, antagonizing him, I asked who I would call to find out and he immediately started searching through his phone.
My brother was staring at me in shock, while I shrugged my shoulders and continued watching this man, who in mid search on his phone, dropped his head lower and fell asleep in the middle of the waiting room. But I wasn't done pestering the pest.
I reached over and bumped his arm. Startled he glanced up and I said "Where's my number?" He continued looking through his phone then spit out a phone number which I wrote down. Then he apologized for falling asleep like that and blamed it on the medication the doctors had just given him. That was my cue.
"What medications did they give you?"
"Do you have any more?"
"Yes," he said, and he went for the silver, metal briefcase, he had cuffed to his wrist. He grabbed a key from his pocket, inserted it into the suitcase, and again, passed right out. So I bumped him again, waking him to continue his task. He opened the suitcase which I noticed contained about five bottles of various medications no doubt. He popped open the Klonopin, and handed me two pills.
Score. I thanked him kindly and threw him $2.00 for the vending machine. That excited him. He claimed that he hadn't given me that much in pills, and threw me several more. Then he ventured over to the machines, talking loudly to himself along the way.
I went about my own business only for a moment before he came back over and asked me for 5o cents more in exchange for a few more pills.
"Can you quiet that down a bit?" I asked. "We are in public here." So he quickly sat down and as discreetly as possible, all things considered, gave me a few more pills, and I threw him another dollar. Then he gave me a few more pills again.
I thanked him again and looked up at my brother, "Street chemistry at it's finest." Then I bit a pill in half, consumed one half and tucked the other half away with the others.
My older brother came over after our friend walked away and asked "Did you give that guy money?" I nodded my head and replied "Yes, but I made him give me pills for it and I guarantee you I got the better deal." Then he asked "Did he say something about a worm coming out of his side?" I said, "Yes. He was hallucinating."
Meanwhile, back on the ranch…
The doctors performed multiple biopsies on my dad along with X-rays and a cat scan. The said that this fast growing cancer likely had spread due to it's size. But then after they ran all these tests, said it didn't. I'm not certain I believe them, although I want that to be true. He had surgery the following morning, to remove the blockage in his colon and supposedly to remove the cancer. However, he came out of surgery with a new permanent redirected colon to a bag on his side. When I visited him that day and he showed me the bag, it was so hard not to show what I was feeling. He just said "I never thought I'd have to have one of these." and nervously played with this IV cord.
They didn't remove the cancer either. I was told by dad's girlfriend that if they had cut into it that it would have spread all over his body. So now there is a 6 to 8 week waiting period until they begin intensive radiation and chemotherapy treatments twice a week, each treatment costing $2000.00. Until then, the fast-growing cancer still sits untreated in his colon.
I know his girlfriend is staying positive for him and likely for her own sanity as well. That's a good thing. I prefer to get online and do research. I hope her positive thinking is enough this time. I've cried and cried. And cried some more.
More details when they are available.
13 December 2008
So I came to the horrible realization a few months ago, that Finch (my dog) won't live forever. And I truly don't know what to do about this. I know already, trust - I know way too much, that nothing lasts forever. EVERYTHING is temporary, except death in my opinion. Brandon was temporary. Angie was temporary. And while I have struggled beyond others comprehension, and still struggle today with the reality that they are part of my past, not my future, I've had time to deal with the loss.
Finch, however.. Well I got him immediately after B decided to fuck another coworker again. Ah.. impeccable timing. (And hey if anyone that knows him should ever read this, know that I wasn't being the bitchy girlfriend, but that my sister died and he didn't want you to know because then he'd look like a bad guy for being so uncaring.. and we were never remodeling our kitchen. He did that in a drunken rage while I was at work one day. Apparently I was having sex with one of my female coworkers.. Who knew?!!) Anyhow… maybe I haven't exactly dealt with that loss even today…
I'm not really over all that. Still… Finch. This loyal, loving, persistent, childish, smart as hell dog I love so much, will not be here forever??!!!
BUT I NEED HIM!!! I NEED HIM! I NEED HIM! I NEED HIM!
It's not that I don't grasp the reality of his future, it's that, well it's like this: I think people have more babies because their cute little babies turn into kids… who don't want hugs anymore, that stink, that are difficult, and turn into even taller teenagers with even bigger grudges towards their parents. So I think that since our three year olds aim for such independence they'd rather not be helped, we go off and have more babies to get back the time where they are sweet and soft and loving and happy all the time. True, it's all for the parents. The kids don't even remember it. SHIT I'm sitting here talking myself into more kids. NO NO NO!!!!!! NNOOOOO!!!
My point is, we forget how difficult LABOR is - that act of pushing and grunting and wearing yourself out to squeeze a little human being out of it's beginning. So we have more kids. Similarly, we forget how painful it can be to lose a pet. So we get more pets to replace them, and to fill the whole created in our hearts by the loss of a previous pet. Ah.. I wish it were so simple for siblings and fathers…
Still I don't know how I will survive without Finch!! AND HEY FINCH IS FINE TODAY!! STILL WITH US!! NO KNOWN PROBLEMS!! This is just me being a crazy person thinking negative thoughts. But he's been my constant for four years. I need him like I need AIR.
Anyhow…. I hope our animals know just how much we love them.